R.I.P. Frank

I spent a few years working as a volunteer coordinator at the central food bank in Winnipeg during the late 1990s. Most of the work in the warehouse was (and still is) done by volunteers. There are school and church groups, retired men and women, recent immigrants and refugees. We had young men from Germany who would do a 2 year volunteer stint in place of mandatory army service. There were also a number of people who couldn' t hold down a regular job often due to some kind of mental illness. I loved the incredible diversity of that work place.

There was one volunteer who stood out from many of the others. He was smart, responsible and cheerful. Often he would tell us about his 2 daughters, whom he obviously adored. He talked about coaching their softball teams in the summer months and all the fun outings he had with them. We knew that he and his wife were seperated but other than that, we knew very little about him. He told us that he had worked for many years for a company in town but that he had decided to take a break from it. Working at the food bank was something that he was doing to keep himself busy until he felt ready to reenter the corporate world.

Frank came to work almost every day. He seemed happy, content and thrilled to be helping out at the food bank. When he didn't show up for several days, we wondered where he was but we were not too surprised. Volunteers come and go often. He had no phone so we couldn't call him but we were confident that he would show up sooner or later. Everyone else did.

On a Monday morning, I got the phone call. The woman asked for me by name and identified herself as someone from the coroner's office. She asked me if I knew Frank and then she dropped the bombshell: "Frank committed suicide last Friday."

I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. I wracked my brain, trying to remember the last conversations we had and there was nothing that I could recall that might have indicated that he was contemplating something so extreme. We had spoken on Thursday and the last thing he said was, "See you tonight."

Then she told me that he had left a note addressed to Lee (my supervisor) and me and asked if she could bring it to us.

That afternoon she came and offered her condolences. She was very good at her job; compassionate and helpful, answering our questions honestly. I don't remember too much about the note except that it was hand written, neat and included an apology to us for doing something so extreme. He had folded it carefully and placed it somewhere in his room where it would be found. Frank made sure to tell us that we had nothing to do with his decision to kill himself and that he had found that the people at the food bank were a great group of people with whom he could spend his last months. The note sounded like Frank. Normal, friendly and responsible (he left the key for us too).

I looked at the note and realized that this was one of the last things Frank had done before he killed himself. I was one of the last people he thought of. There was something very disturbing about that and I remember studying the paper, looking on the back of it, smelling it, just trying to find some clue as to why on earth he would do such a thing.

But there was no clue.

We discovered more about Frank during the following weeks. We learned that he had not seen his daughters for over 2 years and had not spoken to his wife for nearly as long. He had led us to believe that he saw them regularly, that he was sad about the break up with his wife but he was dealing with it. He had even begun to date again. I was shocked that he could fool us all so completely.

When Joyce over at Blunderview entitled her post, "Mental Illness Kills," I was reminded of Frank. I still wonder on occasion if there might have been something we missed or could have done to help him out. I don't think so but it's hard not to wonder.

I wonder if he had a mental illness that he never told us about. One where he could function well during the day but not alone at night. Or maybe he was afraid of being "found out." As we got to know Frank better, we began to realize that some of his story just didn't add up. Maybe he was afraid that we would discover the truth about his sad and sorry life and would no longer accept him.

I suppose we'll never know. I just know that for one night, he felt desperate enough to take his own life. That is so sad.

I wish I could say that something good came out of this all. That his daughters have forgiven their dad and moved on or that I learned more about the signs of someone who is suicidal and was able to help someone else. But I can't. This is one of those messy moments of life where there is no closure.

I don't know where Frank is now. I believe in heaven and in a loving God and I hope that one day I will meet Frank there. For now, I will just wonder about him every now and then.

Happy Birthday Chelsea

Chelsea is my absolutely favourite Winnipeg niece. Yesterday was her 15th birthday. This great picture was taken while we were singing "Happy Birthday" in 16 part harmony. I wish you could have heard us.

We are a talented family.

Yesterday, I had a problem. A pretty big problem. Some very well meaning people planned an outing for me that they thought I'd enjoy. My problem is that after checking the website of the speaker and of the conference, I was pretty sure I wouldn't enjoy it. I know that there will be many women at the conference who will be inspired, challenged and encouraged but this kind of thing is just not my "thing."

My problem though, is how to tell the people who planned this for me that I really didn't want to go. A wise woman suggested to me that I have 2 options: Either be true to myself or keep the peace.

To be true to myself would be to tell my friends that I could not attend this conference. To keep the peace, I would attend, paste a smile on my face and agree that the speaker was indeed funny, inspiring and challenging. While the second option would be easier in some ways, I knew last night that I had to decline the invitation. I'd want to explain why I couldn't go but the reasons for that run deep. I'm pretty sure that my friends would not understand and it would be hard for me to even articulate clearly why I couldn't go. Two hours out of my life is not a long time but there are values and principles that I hold which I would have to deny or set aside in order to participate in this conference.

(At this point some of you who have not clicked on the links for the speaker and conference might be wondering what kind of evil has she gotten herself into and who are her friends anyway? Just click on the links. Those of you who know me will understand)

I have been thinking a lot lately about my values, my passions, my principles and the things that are really important to me. It is for this reason that at this time, I have to decline the invitation. At this time in my life, I need to be true to myself and what I believe and let the chips fall where they may. There will likely be misunderstandings. I may be seen as arrogant. But I will have to live with that. I know that God understands where I'm coming from and that he knows my decision is one that I have made after prayer and consideration and with as much integrity as a fallen, broken, imperfect person can.

During this year, my year of Jubilee, I have decided that I can no longer do things in order to please others. I have spent most of my life doing that, afraid of standing up to people who might not understand where I'm coming from and afraid that they may no longer "like" me. I am realizing in a new way that what they think of me is not my problem, it's theirs. I know that God likes me, he actually loves me. A lot. And that is all that matters.

So, for today, I will be true to myself, to the person God created me to be.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Kristen broke up with CJ today, her boyfriend of 18 months. She is very sad and in tears but she knows that it is for the best. Her hopes, desires and goals did not match those of CJ and she knew that this relationship could not last. It was stagnant and not going anywhere.

I had suggested to her a while ago that CJ might not be the best person for her and it seems that lots of people were telling her the same thing. I've always felt that a relationship could not last much longer than 1 1/2 years without something happening. Either a couple needs to move forward and make some kind of commitment to each other, or they should break up. Of course, there are exceptions to that "rule" but it seems to be the case for most people with whom I am acquainted.

It is the best thing for her and she knows that. I'm happy that she has finally taken this step and I told her that I admire her for doing it. She has known for a while that it had to happen and today she found the courage to do it.

CJ is not taking it so well and I understand that harsh words were spoken. That's too bad but I suppose breaking up can be pretty messy.

Kristen will survive this, I know. She will learn from this too. She will grieve the loss of a friend and I hope she will remember the good things about CJ, not only the bad.

It is my hope and prayer for her and my other 2 sons who have not yet met their "significant other" that they will meet someone who will encourage, challenge and bring out the best in them. I hope that they will meet someone who will love them in spite of their flaws. I hope they will meet people who desire to grow, who are life long learners.

Settling for someone less is just stupid.

The Joys of Having A Dog

It is 4:30 AM. Dixie's been crying/whining/barking on and off all night. I thought I'd better take her out in case she had to go. There are a few people in this old house who have to work tomorrow and I want to be sure they can sleep.

Well, she didn't "go" and now she is sleeping peacefully on my feet while I am wide awake.

Spring is Coming!

I was just packing my groceries into the car and I heard them. The geese. There were hundreds of them and I took a moment to watch them.

They sounded happier now than when they left in the fall.

Looking for Average Male Models

Harlequin Enterprises is having a tough time.

I didn't know this but they use real live models for their book covers. And the real live male models are looking too boyish and thin. So Harlequin has put out a call for average looking men to grace the covers of their romantic novels. If you'd like, you may rate your favourite Harlequin book cover hunks here.

So, any of you average looking men can just head over to Harlequin Enterprises. Maybe you will be the next Harlequin man.

Strange. There doesn't seem to be a problem with pre-pubescent looking girls.

For Whippersnapper

When Whippersnapper asked if my husband was in a rock band I thought, wow, would it ever be cool to be married to a rock musician. But, then again,

maybe not.

Wes, my husband is a humble estimater with a construction company. Not nearly as exciting as a rock musician but a very good husband and a good provider.

Eric's my son and he is part of a band called Aslan's Child.

10 things that show you have crossed the line from being a dog tolerater to a dog lover...

1. You are all dressed wearing your fancy fake fur coat and you reach into the pocket for a tissue and you find liver treats in one pocket and an empty plastic bag in the other.
2. Dog poop no longer totally grosses you out. It only partially grosses you out.
3. You have a baby gate in your house and your youngest child is 18.
4. You visit your sister so the dogs can have a play date.
5. You find yourself actually considering that a dog stroller would be a good purchase.*
6. You have weird dreams about dogs and babies.*
7. You are offended when your son doesn't love your dog as much as you do.
8. You consider buying shares in a paper towel company because you use so much to clean up the dog messes in your house.
9. You become fastidious about cleaning up EVERYTHING that falls on the floor in your kitchen, otherwise the dog will chew it.
10. When you step in a dog pee puddle in the kitchen, you calmly take your socks off and put on a pair of clean ones. Without freaking out.

*Dixie is afraid of traffic and we live on a very busy street. When we take her for a walk, we have to carry her about one block before we can put her down. She is still small enough to carry but if she doesn't get over this fear, it will be hard to take her out for walks.

*I dreamed that Ben and Carolyn (my son and his wife) came over one day carrying a car seat. I didn't know that they were pregnant and while I found a little strange, it seemed quite acceptable for me. I pulled back the cute pink baby blanket and out peered, a black lab puppy, just like Dixie. I oohed and aaahed over the puppy just as I would over a baby.

Dixie

Eric is borrowing my laptop while he is on tour so I will not be posting too much in the next couple of weeks.

Today, I will leave you with some photos of the newest addition to our family. When we decided that Sammy had to go, we all agreed that we would get another dog.

Meet Dixie.

She has been with us for about 2 weeks now and is settling in nicely. She has already learned "sit," "down," and today we started working on "heel." The pooping and peeing is another story but I'm sure she'll get the hang of it one of these days.

Dixie is a lab cross and seems to be a relaxed, happy dog. We are really enjoying her.

Sammy

Sammy's gone to a better place. No. We did not put him down. I could not have done that.

On Saturday, we brought him back to "Cause for Paws," the place we got him from in the first place. They were able to find an adoptive couple for him by Sunday. That made me happy. Apparently, he is now living with an older couple-a very good match I think. I was honest about his behaviour with the CFP people because I didn't want him being sent to a home with children.

It was hard dropping him off at the foster home. On the drive home, Wes was crying and my eyes were a little wet. We knew we had done the right thing but it was still hard.

So long Sammy.

Happy Birthday John

It's a day late but I want to wish my big brother John a happy birthday. Michele blogged about his cool car. I need to tell a story about him too. One that he has probably forgotten.

I received a VERY COOL pen as a Christmas gift when I was in grade 8. It was orange and had psychadelic dots all over it. It (not I) was the epitome of cool, back in the seventies. I was very careful of that pen-didn't want to loose it or anything because I did have a habit of losing things. (My mom went a little balistic once, when I lost a pair of pants. How can you lose PANTS? You WEAR them. How can you lose something you're wearing?)

Sure enough, one day, the pen went missing. A week or 2 later, I noticed that a boy in my class had my pen and was using it. He didn't even look guilty or try to hide it. Frank was a smallish, wiry kind of guy with a temper so I was not willing to confront him. But I knew someone who would.

I wrote a note and passed it to brother John. I still remember walking over to his side of the room and casually dropping the note on his desk, all the while keeping a close eye on the teacher. Passing notes of any kind was absolutely prohibited. If the teacher got a hold of the note and read it aloud, Frank would be embarrassed and I was a little afraid of what might happen on the playground at recess.

After recess, John walked to my side of the room and dropped the pen on my desk. Although he had denied stealing it, Frank was quite willing to relinquish it to John.

I actually kept that pen until the ink ran out. I think I even bought a new refill for it once. I don't know what ever happened to it but every time I used it, I remembered that even though John and I had some major sibling rivalry going on, I could always count on him to stand up for me.

Thanks John. Have a great 52nd year!

Fountain of Youth

I am half way through my 49th year, my "year of Jubilee." I have been contemplating life, dealing with the inevitability of the empty nest, and finally, I am beginning to accept this aging body.

A few days ago I realized in a new way that for most of my life, I have not appreciated my body. I have felt too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, my feet were too big, my hair wasn't right, my knees were too knobby, my thighs too big, my arms too long...You get the picture.

For much of my life I have tried to beat this body into submission by doing both good and bad things to it. Dieting (bad), exercise (good).

As I was reading the Free Press today, I finally found the answer to my body woes.

All I need is a body makeover and I will look like this woman. Imagine, after living almost 50 years, married for about 28 of them and having 4 children, I can look like this. Oh joy. No need to diet, exercise or do anything except be willing to "go under the knife."

Recuperation would include me, lying on the couch for several weeks and having those wonderful children of mine at my beck and call. I'd read books, eat grapes, watch bad TV and read trashy magazines. At the end of it all, I'll look great with no effort on my part.

For mother's day, this is all I want. Start saving your pennies kids!

Give Aways

"Free, to a good home: 2 year old cocker spaniel. Shots are up to date. Shy. Would do best in a quiet home." Sammy has to leave our home. We had to make a decision between him and the 4 teenagers living in this house.

Last year, when Alvaro was living with us, Sammy would bark and growl at him. Alvaro was okay with this and he accepted the fact that Sammy didn't like him.

This fall, when Medardo came, and later Nik, the growling and barking increased and he started chasing after them and nipping them. Amanda, who lives in the apartment in the basement has also felt Sammy's teeth on her heels and hands. They have all been very gracious to us while we have tried to deal with this problem. He is also beginning to act aggressively toward Tim and Kristen at times.

We've spoken to dog lovers and dog trainers. I perused books in the library and spent time on- line looking for solutions. Wes and I took him to another obedience class and asked the trainer there for suggestions. We have tried everything but shock therapy and nothing has worked. Sammy's aggressive behaviour is getting worse and for the safety of the people living with us, Sammy has got to go.

Sammy has never growled or barked at me or Wes. I believe that he thinks it's his job to protect us (me especially). His behaviour is worst when I'm home alone and someone comes in. I suppose Sammy is only doing what he thinks he must. When I am home alone with him, we have fun. I really like this dog and he loves me. He has turned me from a dog tolerater into a dog lover.

Giving him up is hard and I'm sure that I will shed a few tears when we send him off to another owner. We will give him away. Trying to sell him seems wrong to me.

Our home is a busy one. We have 2 of our own children living with us as well as Medardo and Leo. (Leo came to our home from Brazil a couple of weeks ago when Nik went off to Argentina.) Wes and I are pretty consistent with our comings and goings but the young people in this home come and go at all hours of the day and night. We frequently have people dropping in too. I think that all of this activity is hard for a sensitive dog to deal with.

I'm feeling a little guilty too. Before Sammy came along, everything I read reminded me that this is a big commitment that can last for many years. I felt I was ready for that. I guess we just weren't ready for Sammy. He would do best in a home where there is less activity and more predictability.

We cannot risk Sammy biting someone. Leo and Medardo spend little time downstairs, partly because of Sammy and that's no good. Amanda gets chased down the stairs when she comes home. That does not make for a very peaceful household. I worry that one day Sammy may bite a younger child who comes here. Nipping at heels and legs is one thing but if he were to harm a young child, I could not forgive myself.
I've posted an ad in the Buy and Sell. If anyone who reads this post knows of someone who might like a loveable, sensitive, eager to please dog, who sits, heels, lies down and is working on staying, let me know.

We will get another dog. Our experience with Sammy has been by and large, a positive one. We'll just have to be a little more careful about breed (no purebred) and temperament (calm and gentle).

Happy Birthday Michele

Okay, I Lied

I decided after my last post that I really should do something for my sweetie on Valentines day. So I did.

For Wes, I put my coat and gloves on, slipped into my wooden shoes and put the garbage cans and recycling boxes away.

Nothing says "I love you" in quite the same way.

Happy Valentines Day?

My 2 nephews Micah and Joey have been staying here for the last week and a half. This morning, Micah asked what the date was. I told him February 14.

"Is this Valentines Day?"

"Yeah."

"We're supposed to bring Valentines cards for the whole class. My mom already bought them but they're at my house so I guess I can't hand them out, eh?"

I guess not.


Valentines ranks right up there with Halloween for me. The great thing about Halloween is the fact that it is my daughter's birthday. In my life, there's nothing good about Valentines. Maybe it has something to do with my tendencies to be rebellious. "They" are telling me that I need to show my Valentine that I love him. Well, you can't tell me what to do. So I won't.

Maybe it has something to do with the emotional baggage I've been carrying around since grade 4. Most elementary school teachers require students to give cards to everyone in the class if they are going to hand them out. That was not something we did at school when I was young. And every year, there'd be a few kids who got nothing, a few who got something from almost everyone and the rest (I was one of them) would fall somewhere in-between. Most years I would get 3 or 4 which would remind me again that I was not one of the more popular kids. And I never got one from a boy.


One year, my best friend wrote a poem for me on a card:
Roses are red
Violets are black
You look better
With a knife in your back. (Just kidding!)

Ha. Ha.

Maybe I don't like Valentines day because it simply reminds people who don't have a special someone that they're missing out. I used to get depressed every time Feb. 14 rolled around.

Or maybe Valentines day is an just opportunity for retailers to guilt consumers (primarily men) into buying stuff that they probably think is a waste of their money but they better otherwise they'll be in big trouble.

Early on in our relationship, Wes would give me the prescribed chocolate and flowers. It wasn't too long into our marriage when I suggested that he didn't have to waste his money. Flowers just add to the clutter on my counter and chocolate, well, I can never eat just one piece. So I'd cram the whole box into my mouth and not share. It was ugly. I did not like the way I acted. And then I had to live with the after effects of a sugar rush and heartburn.

Needless to say, we won't be celebrating Valentines day today. I will tell Wes that I love him (something I do most days) and maybe I'll make something for dessert.

So there. That's all.

Winnipeg Remembers

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/manitoba/story/2007/02/14/firefighters-memorial.html

Sometimes, the best lessons are taught by the most unlikely people

Last night, as I was reading to Micah, I heard some yelling outside. I ignored it for a while but soon decided to look outside the window to see what was going on. There was someone on the driveway, yelling and acting very strangely. Our neighbour was also out there, speaking to the person in a calm, quiet way, encouraging her to keep walking. I made sure all the doors were locked and then I called 911.

At one point, Tim drove into the driveway and for a brief moment, I was afraid that he'd drive right over her. We have a pretty long driveway and he would not be looking out for a person standing in the way. Fortunately, he saw the woman and was able to avoid her. Tim and the neighbours stayed outside to watch and make sure she wouldn't hurt herself or anyone else. About 30 minutes later, a police cruiser came by and took her away.

Joey, Micah and I were standing by the upstairs window, watching, while all of this took place. The whole situation, while not dangerous for us, was disturbing.

And no teacher, parent or textbook could have taught the lesson about alcohol and drug addictions in a more effective way.

Busted

Did you know that you can edit a web page using "Word?" I learned that today from Micah although I just tried it myself and am unable to do it. I'll have to ask him after school how he did it. This morning, Micah showed me the following item on the CBC Radio website:

"Today, the transpotation said that busses are cancilled because of cold wether ecept st. jhons ravencourt."

I was a little suspicious when I saw that because on the live radio broadcast, it was being reported that all busses were running except for one school in the city. We listened for a little while longer and I was pretty sure that the busses were running.

They are in school today.