R.I.P. Frank

I spent a few years working as a volunteer coordinator at the central food bank in Winnipeg during the late 1990s. Most of the work in the warehouse was (and still is) done by volunteers. There are school and church groups, retired men and women, recent immigrants and refugees. We had young men from Germany who would do a 2 year volunteer stint in place of mandatory army service. There were also a number of people who couldn' t hold down a regular job often due to some kind of mental illness. I loved the incredible diversity of that work place.

There was one volunteer who stood out from many of the others. He was smart, responsible and cheerful. Often he would tell us about his 2 daughters, whom he obviously adored. He talked about coaching their softball teams in the summer months and all the fun outings he had with them. We knew that he and his wife were seperated but other than that, we knew very little about him. He told us that he had worked for many years for a company in town but that he had decided to take a break from it. Working at the food bank was something that he was doing to keep himself busy until he felt ready to reenter the corporate world.

Frank came to work almost every day. He seemed happy, content and thrilled to be helping out at the food bank. When he didn't show up for several days, we wondered where he was but we were not too surprised. Volunteers come and go often. He had no phone so we couldn't call him but we were confident that he would show up sooner or later. Everyone else did.

On a Monday morning, I got the phone call. The woman asked for me by name and identified herself as someone from the coroner's office. She asked me if I knew Frank and then she dropped the bombshell: "Frank committed suicide last Friday."

I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. I wracked my brain, trying to remember the last conversations we had and there was nothing that I could recall that might have indicated that he was contemplating something so extreme. We had spoken on Thursday and the last thing he said was, "See you tonight."

Then she told me that he had left a note addressed to Lee (my supervisor) and me and asked if she could bring it to us.

That afternoon she came and offered her condolences. She was very good at her job; compassionate and helpful, answering our questions honestly. I don't remember too much about the note except that it was hand written, neat and included an apology to us for doing something so extreme. He had folded it carefully and placed it somewhere in his room where it would be found. Frank made sure to tell us that we had nothing to do with his decision to kill himself and that he had found that the people at the food bank were a great group of people with whom he could spend his last months. The note sounded like Frank. Normal, friendly and responsible (he left the key for us too).

I looked at the note and realized that this was one of the last things Frank had done before he killed himself. I was one of the last people he thought of. There was something very disturbing about that and I remember studying the paper, looking on the back of it, smelling it, just trying to find some clue as to why on earth he would do such a thing.

But there was no clue.

We discovered more about Frank during the following weeks. We learned that he had not seen his daughters for over 2 years and had not spoken to his wife for nearly as long. He had led us to believe that he saw them regularly, that he was sad about the break up with his wife but he was dealing with it. He had even begun to date again. I was shocked that he could fool us all so completely.

When Joyce over at Blunderview entitled her post, "Mental Illness Kills," I was reminded of Frank. I still wonder on occasion if there might have been something we missed or could have done to help him out. I don't think so but it's hard not to wonder.

I wonder if he had a mental illness that he never told us about. One where he could function well during the day but not alone at night. Or maybe he was afraid of being "found out." As we got to know Frank better, we began to realize that some of his story just didn't add up. Maybe he was afraid that we would discover the truth about his sad and sorry life and would no longer accept him.

I suppose we'll never know. I just know that for one night, he felt desperate enough to take his own life. That is so sad.

I wish I could say that something good came out of this all. That his daughters have forgiven their dad and moved on or that I learned more about the signs of someone who is suicidal and was able to help someone else. But I can't. This is one of those messy moments of life where there is no closure.

I don't know where Frank is now. I believe in heaven and in a loving God and I hope that one day I will meet Frank there. For now, I will just wonder about him every now and then.

Happy Birthday Chelsea

Chelsea is my absolutely favourite Winnipeg niece. Yesterday was her 15th birthday. This great picture was taken while we were singing "Happy Birthday" in 16 part harmony. I wish you could have heard us.

We are a talented family.

Yesterday, I had a problem. A pretty big problem. Some very well meaning people planned an outing for me that they thought I'd enjoy. My problem is that after checking the website of the speaker and of the conference, I was pretty sure I wouldn't enjoy it. I know that there will be many women at the conference who will be inspired, challenged and encouraged but this kind of thing is just not my "thing."

My problem though, is how to tell the people who planned this for me that I really didn't want to go. A wise woman suggested to me that I have 2 options: Either be true to myself or keep the peace.

To be true to myself would be to tell my friends that I could not attend this conference. To keep the peace, I would attend, paste a smile on my face and agree that the speaker was indeed funny, inspiring and challenging. While the second option would be easier in some ways, I knew last night that I had to decline the invitation. I'd want to explain why I couldn't go but the reasons for that run deep. I'm pretty sure that my friends would not understand and it would be hard for me to even articulate clearly why I couldn't go. Two hours out of my life is not a long time but there are values and principles that I hold which I would have to deny or set aside in order to participate in this conference.

(At this point some of you who have not clicked on the links for the speaker and conference might be wondering what kind of evil has she gotten herself into and who are her friends anyway? Just click on the links. Those of you who know me will understand)

I have been thinking a lot lately about my values, my passions, my principles and the things that are really important to me. It is for this reason that at this time, I have to decline the invitation. At this time in my life, I need to be true to myself and what I believe and let the chips fall where they may. There will likely be misunderstandings. I may be seen as arrogant. But I will have to live with that. I know that God understands where I'm coming from and that he knows my decision is one that I have made after prayer and consideration and with as much integrity as a fallen, broken, imperfect person can.

During this year, my year of Jubilee, I have decided that I can no longer do things in order to please others. I have spent most of my life doing that, afraid of standing up to people who might not understand where I'm coming from and afraid that they may no longer "like" me. I am realizing in a new way that what they think of me is not my problem, it's theirs. I know that God likes me, he actually loves me. A lot. And that is all that matters.

So, for today, I will be true to myself, to the person God created me to be.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Kristen broke up with CJ today, her boyfriend of 18 months. She is very sad and in tears but she knows that it is for the best. Her hopes, desires and goals did not match those of CJ and she knew that this relationship could not last. It was stagnant and not going anywhere.

I had suggested to her a while ago that CJ might not be the best person for her and it seems that lots of people were telling her the same thing. I've always felt that a relationship could not last much longer than 1 1/2 years without something happening. Either a couple needs to move forward and make some kind of commitment to each other, or they should break up. Of course, there are exceptions to that "rule" but it seems to be the case for most people with whom I am acquainted.

It is the best thing for her and she knows that. I'm happy that she has finally taken this step and I told her that I admire her for doing it. She has known for a while that it had to happen and today she found the courage to do it.

CJ is not taking it so well and I understand that harsh words were spoken. That's too bad but I suppose breaking up can be pretty messy.

Kristen will survive this, I know. She will learn from this too. She will grieve the loss of a friend and I hope she will remember the good things about CJ, not only the bad.

It is my hope and prayer for her and my other 2 sons who have not yet met their "significant other" that they will meet someone who will encourage, challenge and bring out the best in them. I hope that they will meet someone who will love them in spite of their flaws. I hope they will meet people who desire to grow, who are life long learners.

Settling for someone less is just stupid.

The Joys of Having A Dog

It is 4:30 AM. Dixie's been crying/whining/barking on and off all night. I thought I'd better take her out in case she had to go. There are a few people in this old house who have to work tomorrow and I want to be sure they can sleep.

Well, she didn't "go" and now she is sleeping peacefully on my feet while I am wide awake.

Spring is Coming!

I was just packing my groceries into the car and I heard them. The geese. There were hundreds of them and I took a moment to watch them.

They sounded happier now than when they left in the fall.

Looking for Average Male Models

Harlequin Enterprises is having a tough time.

I didn't know this but they use real live models for their book covers. And the real live male models are looking too boyish and thin. So Harlequin has put out a call for average looking men to grace the covers of their romantic novels. If you'd like, you may rate your favourite Harlequin book cover hunks here.

So, any of you average looking men can just head over to Harlequin Enterprises. Maybe you will be the next Harlequin man.

Strange. There doesn't seem to be a problem with pre-pubescent looking girls.

For Whippersnapper

When Whippersnapper asked if my husband was in a rock band I thought, wow, would it ever be cool to be married to a rock musician. But, then again,

maybe not.

Wes, my husband is a humble estimater with a construction company. Not nearly as exciting as a rock musician but a very good husband and a good provider.

Eric's my son and he is part of a band called Aslan's Child.

10 things that show you have crossed the line from being a dog tolerater to a dog lover...

1. You are all dressed wearing your fancy fake fur coat and you reach into the pocket for a tissue and you find liver treats in one pocket and an empty plastic bag in the other.
2. Dog poop no longer totally grosses you out. It only partially grosses you out.
3. You have a baby gate in your house and your youngest child is 18.
4. You visit your sister so the dogs can have a play date.
5. You find yourself actually considering that a dog stroller would be a good purchase.*
6. You have weird dreams about dogs and babies.*
7. You are offended when your son doesn't love your dog as much as you do.
8. You consider buying shares in a paper towel company because you use so much to clean up the dog messes in your house.
9. You become fastidious about cleaning up EVERYTHING that falls on the floor in your kitchen, otherwise the dog will chew it.
10. When you step in a dog pee puddle in the kitchen, you calmly take your socks off and put on a pair of clean ones. Without freaking out.

*Dixie is afraid of traffic and we live on a very busy street. When we take her for a walk, we have to carry her about one block before we can put her down. She is still small enough to carry but if she doesn't get over this fear, it will be hard to take her out for walks.

*I dreamed that Ben and Carolyn (my son and his wife) came over one day carrying a car seat. I didn't know that they were pregnant and while I found a little strange, it seemed quite acceptable for me. I pulled back the cute pink baby blanket and out peered, a black lab puppy, just like Dixie. I oohed and aaahed over the puppy just as I would over a baby.

Dixie

Eric is borrowing my laptop while he is on tour so I will not be posting too much in the next couple of weeks.

Today, I will leave you with some photos of the newest addition to our family. When we decided that Sammy had to go, we all agreed that we would get another dog.

Meet Dixie.

She has been with us for about 2 weeks now and is settling in nicely. She has already learned "sit," "down," and today we started working on "heel." The pooping and peeing is another story but I'm sure she'll get the hang of it one of these days.

Dixie is a lab cross and seems to be a relaxed, happy dog. We are really enjoying her.