I've been thinking about anxiety and growth lately. Both in the same thought, mostly because I thought I had "grown" enough to be able to deal with anxiety in a more healthy way.

Have I got a long way to go.

We have not yet sold our house. I knew it would not be as easy to sell this house as some of the other houses here in Winnipeg. I knew that. But in my heart I hoped, prayed, begged, that it would sell in days. What a testimony that would be! "We put our faith in God, knowing that he would take care of us blah, blah, blah..., and the house sold in one week! God is good!"

Well, that testimony's no good anymore as it's been almost 4 months and we have not yet had one offer. It keeps me awake at night. I'm beginning to feel anxious and I thought that I was way beyond that. If I go to the doctor and ask her for some anti anxiety meds, she'll suggest that I try non-prescription ways of dealing with it like meditation and exercise, which I'm already doing. But I still obssess. I just can't seem to turn my brain off.

I have faith that it will sell sometime but I'm tired of living in limbo, waiting for my life to start once this place is sold. I want to be able to live and enjoy life, even in the midst of turmoil and uncertainty. I want to move forward, to grow and expand my brain but it seems to be stuck, like the needle on an LP player that stays in the same groove.

It's not just the house that's on my brain these days. It seems that I have begun worrying more and more about stuff that I have no control over. And at three o'clock in the morning, all of it seems to be insurmountable.

I thought I was further along in my emotional development. I thought I had more faith. I thought I could rise above these petty, relatively small inconveniences. After all, there are people who have no homes or possessions, have lost their families and friends and live where there is little to hope for. And here I'm obssessing about selling a house.

One day I will be able to look at this time in my life with a little more perspective. I will be able to see that even though things didn't happen the way I wanted, everything worked out. I'm hoping that new perspective will happen soon. Until then, I'll enjoy the days when I don't obsess and try to get through the days that I do.

This Old House

It's been on the market now for about 6 weeks. We've had 7 or 8 showings but none of them have resulted in an offer.

I'm usually okay with that. I've always known that this is a unique house and that it will not sell as quickly as other smaller homes. And yet, all too often I find myself worrying and wondering.

A few weeks ago, Michele and I were talking with some friends and Michele said that she had a thought that popped into her head that was something like, "The timing will be just right." What was really neat is that I had almost the same thought the day before. The fact that we both had the same thought, almost word for word has been a real encouragement to me

So now, everytime I begin to worry and obsess, I remind myself that the timing will be right. I just hope that the right time will be sooner, rather than later.

I can always hope, can't I?

Updates

Well, they decided they didn't want to buy the house.

Sigh.

There are 2 more showings on Monday and then Tuesday. All of us living here are finding this whole process a little unsettling and tiring. It is always on my mind. I do like the back to back showings though. Less work for me.

My computer has been unbearable slow so I finally deleted a HUGE virus protection program and installed one that doesn't require almost all of my RAM. It's going faster and today, I will be getting some more RAM installed. I won't know what to do with all that memory!

Took a few pictures of my gorgeous spring garden.

I think it's the garden that I will miss the most.

Still in the Decluttering Stage

It seems that the virus I picked up in Ontario is rapidly leaving my system. Good thing. There's lots to do.

I am in the middle of packing up half of my house so that by May 1, it can be staged and ready for showings.

Staging is a new thing for me even though it's been part of the Real Estate lingo for quite some time. In staging your home, you need to declutter, clean (toothbrush clean, my agent tells me), reduce the amount of furniture you have or move it so that you can create "vignettes," and then add only the most minimal decorative touches. Your home needs to look like a model home, a place in which prospective buyers can easily imagine themselves living.

It's been freeing to declutter. There has been much that has been brought to our local thrift store. Boxes and some bookcases will be sent over to Ben and Carolyn's. Photos have been removed from the walls, small repairs have been made. I'm working my way down to the bottom of my freezer and reducing the food in the pantry. Our agents suggested that we take half the clothes out of the closet-quite a challenge because there's not much in there that I don't wear. Remove wire hangers, only use wood or plastic..the list goes on and on.

I think the biggest challenge for us will be keeping our home looking perfect for however long it takes to sell. I do worry about that. Too much.

Ah well. We can only do so much. Hopefully, we'll sell within a couple of months and I'll realize that I didn't have to stress about it. At least all of this preliminary work will make the actual move much easier.

I'm off to pack away some more stuff.

Thursday Thirteen

1. It's still cold. Will Spring ever come?
2. I've been busy. Culling, cleaning and organizing. We are interviewing Real Estate Agents this week and hope to have a "For Sale" sign on this old house in a couple of months.
3. My hope is that the house will be sold in a couple of weeks (keeping everything neat, tidy and dust free is going to be a challenge) with a possession date of August 31.
4. People ask me what our plans are after we sell this house. Uh...no plans. We may be "of no fixed address" for a while but we will not be homeless.
5. The housing market is hot here in Winnipeg but our house is unique in a number of ways. That may make it harder to sell.
6. I am feeling quite a lot of anxiety about all of this. Now that the time has finally come, I worry, constantly. Will it sell by the summer (I surely hope so), can we keep it neat and tidy enough for showings (our international students keep their bedrooms in good condition but don't seem to care about cleanliness in toilets and showers), will we get enough money for it (to pay off the mortgage and have enough left for something nice)?
7. Emotionally, I am ready to leave this place. I will miss it. There are many happy memories here but I'm ready to move on.
8. My laptop is still out of commission. That's why I haven't been posting lately. The LCD display is cracked and needs replacing. Dell, which claims to have great customer service (NOT!) has informed me that it will cost $400.00-500.00 to repair. I know that the replacement part can be purchased on ebay for less than $150.00. What gives?
9. I will NOT purchase a Dell computer again.
10. The desktop computer is now upstairs in the TV room and is not as available as the laptop. I need to share it with everyone else in the family.
11. Kristen has not yet heard about "Ottatown" but we are optimistic that she will be accepted and will be in South Africa by this time next year.
12. Had a seriously clogged bathtub drain last week that resulted in a $400.00 plumbing bill and a new and unneccesary hole in the bathroom ceiling. I won't go into all the details. There are some things about this old house I will not miss.

All's Quiet in the Blogging World

...including me.

The part for my laptop finally came and my favourite computer saavy son will be installing it for me soon. All he needs from me is a meal. Not bad eh? I'll probably be posting just a little more once the computer's up and running again.

Wes has been away for a week now. I miss him, I really do but boy oh boy am I sleeping well these days. I was a little worried that I'd be spending a lot of time alone but that hasn't happened. With 4 teens/young adults around, there's always someone to chat with, or cook for. When the kids were little and Wes would be out of town, I would do a lot of house cleaning. I don't know why but I certainly took advantage of his absences. I would put the kids to bed and get out the vacuum. Now, I'm usually the first one in bed and the others who live here don't seem inclined to pull out the vacuum or dust cloth. Too bad.

Having International students living with us has been for the most part a positive experience. They have been interesting and have expanded our understanding of the world. Medardo and Gabriel are our last ones though. We'll be putting our house up for sale this spring and will be moving to something smaller and there will only be room for us and Kristen (Tim's hoping to move out by the summer), with enough space for occasional visitors. No space for boarders. We are looking forward to that.

I always thought that the selling of our house would be our biggest challenge but being in the middle of a fiery hot housing market, I think our biggest challenge will be to find a place that will suit us. Thankfully I have two sisters who have both said we could live with them for a while if necessary. I don't worry about all of this much these days. I pray about it every day and leave it in God's hands.

This has been one of the most random posts I've ever done. But then again, that's how my brain works and I don't feel too inspired today. I will do some cleaning though. I do love a tidy, neat and organized house.

Next time I post it will be from my laptop. I can't wait!