I've been thinking about anxiety and growth lately. Both in the same thought, mostly because I thought I had "grown" enough to be able to deal with anxiety in a more healthy way.
Have I got a long way to go.
We have not yet sold our house. I knew it would not be as easy to sell this house as some of the other houses here in Winnipeg. I knew that. But in my heart I hoped, prayed, begged, that it would sell in days. What a testimony that would be! "We put our faith in God, knowing that he would take care of us blah, blah, blah..., and the house sold in one week! God is good!"
Well, that testimony's no good anymore as it's been almost 4 months and we have not yet had one offer. It keeps me awake at night. I'm beginning to feel anxious and I thought that I was way beyond that. If I go to the doctor and ask her for some anti anxiety meds, she'll suggest that I try non-prescription ways of dealing with it like meditation and exercise, which I'm already doing. But I still obssess. I just can't seem to turn my brain off.
I have faith that it will sell sometime but I'm tired of living in limbo, waiting for my life to start once this place is sold. I want to be able to live and enjoy life, even in the midst of turmoil and uncertainty. I want to move forward, to grow and expand my brain but it seems to be stuck, like the needle on an LP player that stays in the same groove.
It's not just the house that's on my brain these days. It seems that I have begun worrying more and more about stuff that I have no control over. And at three o'clock in the morning, all of it seems to be insurmountable.
I thought I was further along in my emotional development. I thought I had more faith. I thought I could rise above these petty, relatively small inconveniences. After all, there are people who have no homes or possessions, have lost their families and friends and live where there is little to hope for. And here I'm obssessing about selling a house.
One day I will be able to look at this time in my life with a little more perspective. I will be able to see that even though things didn't happen the way I wanted, everything worked out. I'm hoping that new perspective will happen soon. Until then, I'll enjoy the days when I don't obsess and try to get through the days that I do.
9 comments:
Oh man, do I feel for you. I HATE those nights of waiting for the brain to shut off so that I can fall asleep. I will pray for you AND your house.
I have a suggestion...try the lived in look, messy it up a bit...people might think it's too hard to keep that huge house up.
BTW God speaks in limbo times too.
Focus on something else.
Love, Tena
I've been there too. My heart goes out to you, Linda. All will be well. I promise. And it'll be worth the wait.
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. My thoughts are with you.
limbo sucks. waiting is harder than anything.
Oh, I hear you.
Many times I wish I had a hat stand on my bedside table on which to place my brain each night.
Tena, that's exactly what I was going to say. As soon as the house looks lived in, you're gonna sell it.
Ack! house selling.
sorry, Linda.
That does seem like a long time to have the house on the market without a nibble. I understand how you would be feeling anxious about it. I would be feeling the same.
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