That Black Cloud

I went to the doctor today. The good news is that I am 13 pounds lighter than I was last year. Yippee!

The other good news is that she has extended my anti-depressant medication for another 5 months. I have been on this medication for about 2 months and I was not ready to blog about it until now. I figure if RLP can blog about depression then I can too.

It’s hard to know when it all actually started but I had been fighting a black cloud since the fall of 2005. It is likely longer than that but it was in September that I began thinking that this was more than just “the blues.” I hadn’t been sleeping well, I was having trouble controlling my eating, I had little energy and just felt kind of empty. What really troubled me though was that I couldn’t remember the last time I really laughed. Anytime something good would happen, or I’d have some fun, I just couldn’t appreciate it. I felt anxious and guilty all the time. I used up any energy I had in order to remain positive and upbeat.

I thought that anti-depressants might help and I spoke to a psychologist about it. She agreed that it was likely that I was depressed and that medication might be helpful. I don’t know if depression is genetic or not but my grandmother was on medication and I really think that my mom has been depressed so, it really should be no surprise to me that I too could be depressed.

Things at home were mostly pretty peaceful. Except for a few incidents with Kristen that I am not proud of, I did not yell or carry on too much. I did not cry a lot and I wasn’t suicidal. My greatest fear was that I would take medication and it wouldn’t help because I wasn’t depressed, I was just feeling sorry for myself and had to “suck it up.”

Within a week of starting my medication, I began to feel better. After about 2 weeks, I really began to notice a difference. I was laughing, I was having fun, I was sleeping and I began to feel happier. I did not have to use all of my energy to stay happy. Wes says that I’m more engaged at home now. Before, I was pretty quiet and chose to spend my time at home alone-reading or watching TV. Everything seemed to be a chore.

I am grateful for the many medications that are available these days. The one I’m taking has a few minor side effects-things I can easily live with. I have been enjoying the summer and have not been thinking too much about the fall. Hopefully I’ll be willing and ready to jump in and begin my work at the church. I just feel that this summer has been one of healing and joy. I’m enjoying my time at home and feel that I have become more balanced and content.

I was really hesitant to start down this path. It seems that depression is very common among women in North America. It seems strange to me that there are so many of us who need this kind of help. Why can that be? Are we just a bunch of wimps who just need to snap out of it? Are we so self absorbed that we cannot deal with a bit of stress and anxiety? Are we unable to deal with an imperfect world and so need to depend on a pill? Can I not accept the fact that life sucks sometimes and that I don’t always feel great?

I wonder how many people in Africa need to be on anti depressants. They say it’s a chemical imbalance of the brain. I’m sure that a chemical imbalance happens just as frequently in an African brain as in a North American brain.

I have no answers but I do know one thing. The pills are working and I am a happier, more content person today than I was a few months ago. I will continue taking them for as long as necessary and perhaps some answers may come to me as my brain becomes less fuzzy and I am able to think more clearly. I know one thing. My family has their mom back and I think that’s pretty important.

Depression is a tough thing. I am grateful that mine is not as debilitating as it can be for some people. There have been no thoughts of suicide or of hurting myself. But in its own way, this has been a hard road to follow. It is not something that you can see, like a broken arm or a bad cut. But it’s there and only the person who is experiencing it can really tell what it’s like. For me, it wasn’t too obvious. I was able to function fairly well. But the energy it took to remain positive was extreme. I’m getting my energy back and I’m grateful for the people around me who I’ve told who have given me so much encouragement and support. To have that kind of community around me is the best thing I could hope for. They know who they are and I am so thankful to them.