Twenty years ago that I swore I would never diet again. That was also the time that I gave away my weigh scale.

My first diet was "Counterweight," the Canadian version of Weight Watchers. I was 15 years old, 5' 7" and weighed about 140 pounds. I lost 10 pounds and then promptly gained it back plus a few more pounds.

So began my life as a yoyo dieter.

A few years later, Weight Watchers came to Canada and thanks to a Home Economics teacher, there was a WW class in high school for us fatties. I weighed about 150 then. Two weeks later, I quit and then gained about 15 pounds for a grand total of 165. I spent the next few years trying to lose weight and trying to prove to myself and everyone around me that I was NOT fat, ugly and stupid.

In my early 20s, I met and fell in love with Wes. I was lovesick and managed to lose 20 pounds which I successfully kept off for at least 5 years.

5' 7" and 145 pounds. And I still believed that I was fat, ugly and stupid.

I have spent at least half of my life controlled by the belief that I am fat, ugly and stupid. I can't tell you how many things I didn't do because I was so self-conscious of my weight. People talk about their bucket list. Well, I have a bucket list of all the things I didn't do because I was too fat. And folks, I'm not even that fat but when I look in the mirror, I see someone who is grotesque. I really only need to lose 30 pounds to be a healthy weight but you may as well say 100 pounds because that's how it feels to me.

Last year in January I discovered the "Harcombe Diet." It begins with a 5 day cleanse-only proteins (meat) and veggies. Its purpose is to help you get rid of the cravings that you have and help you jump start a new way of eating. Then there is a Phase II and III. This was my first diet in many years and once again, I successfully lost 25 pounds and thought my years of yoyo dieting were over. Sigh. They're not. The weight's been creeping up again.

Maybe this is my "thorn in the flesh." There an apostle in the bible, named Paul. He was a well known preacher and lover Jesus. He wrote several books of the bible and is known for his wisdom and passion. He is also known for something he called his "thorn in the flesh." Scholars don't know exactly what it was but it was enough of a challenge for Paul to pray fervently to have it removed. It could have been some kind of weakness that he felt kept him from being more effective. Maybe it was a sore foot or leg that made travelling painful. Maybe it was a lisp that kept him from being understood when he was preaching. No one really knows.

Maybe this food/eating thing is my "thorn in the flesh." I have prayed to God that he/she would remove the cravings, I've done the counselling thing, I've read all the books, I stopped dieting, I started again. I've done it all. There are those lists of the things you need to do about food and eating that help you and your children stay at a healthy weight. You know them:

• eat a healthy breakfast
• sit down for family meals
• cook from scratch
• don't eat fast food
• exercise
• etc.

I practise them all. Honestly, I do. But I just enjoy all kinds of food so much that it's hard to say no when there's more stuff I want to taste.

So now, maybe it's time to throw in the towel and accept the fact that this will always be part of my life. I'm not ready for that just yet but maybe this is the direction I need to go.

I'm always hesitant to talk about this much less to post about it. I get tired of people complaining about this sort of thing all the time. I get tired of myself! It takes up too much of the space in my brain and it doesn't seem that there's enough room left for more important stuff. It's also an extremely sensitive subject for me and I feel very vulnerable posting it. But somehow, I feel I must. And now that I don't really have any readers left, maybe it's a safe time for me to post it.

Oh God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.