What I Learned in 2005

Things with Kristen are settling down a bit. 2005 was a tough year for us. We fought, we simmered, we pouted. We saw a family therapist a few times who helped us to understand what was going on. That was very helpful.

In the last few months as I have been trying to process and further understand what has happened this year, I came to a few realizations.

1. For 24 of my 48 years, I have defined myself primarily as a mother. I have 4 children and they have been my pride and joy, my raison d'etre for most of my years. Just a few weeks ago, I realized that while the fact that I'm a mother hasn't changed, the reality of my parenting has changed dramatically. My children no longer need me as they did just a few short years ago. When they were younger, I was their primary care-giver, food supplier, nose blower, tear wiper and chauffeur. I was the first person they came to for advice and help. Today, each of my kids has a circle of people around them who support and encourage them and I am not necessarily the first person they turn to anymore. While I have known this in my head, I think I have finally accepted this in my heart.

2. I realized that while Ben and Eric were beginning their real independence during their teen years, I had Tim and Kristen who kept me busy and who occupied much of my time. While it was sometimes hard to deal with the independence of my 2 oldest sons, I didn't have a lot of time to process what was going on. Maybe I was just in denial-who knows. Now that Tim and Kristen are becoming more independent, I must deal with the reality of my changing role in their lives. I think that is a huge reason why Kristen and I have had our struggles. I have been having trouble letting go.

3. A very wise woman told me that all of our children have to find their own paths. I cannot send them down the road that I think they should go. God has a plan and a purpose for them, just as he does for me and while I can encourage them and love them, they need to decide where their journey will take them. Rather than taking them by the hand and leading them, I need to let go of them and cheer them on, even when I feel they are making some poor choices. I can be there for them when their choices cause them pain, but I cannot force them to do anything they don't want to do.

4. I learned this year that in all of my relationships, I have certain responsibilities to make those relationships work. I need to accept the flaws of other people, just as they accept my flaws. I need to realize that sometimes, the people closest to me can hurt me deeply but I forgive them because the relationship means too much to me to give up on it. And I am deeply grateful to the many people who continue to love me despite the hurt I have caused them. In all of my relationships, I can only be responsible for my part. I realized that this is true for my children too. Each one of them has some responsibility in their relationship with me. While I may desire for a deeper, closer relationship, I cannot expect or force my kids to get deeper and closer with me unless that is what they desire. I think that in some very subtle ways (and perhaps not so subtle ways!) I have tried to force something from them that they have been unable and unwilling to give.

I suppose that for some people the things I have learned are obvious. And they are, on one level, even to me. But the reality is, these are also hard lessons and I can be a slow learner.

I read a great quote the other day. "Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress." I believe that the pain we experience often causes us to look deep inside of us and (for me) to turn with greater urgency to Jesus Christ, the source of peace, hope and joy. The pain brings spiritual growth and a greater awareness of who we are and our purpose in this world.

My natural inclination is to run away from pain. As soon as it comes, I try to get rid of it as quickly as I can. I need to remind myself constantly that when the pain comes, if I face it with courage and determination, I can be sure that God will be right there with me. I don't need to get rid of it immediately. There's nothing wrong with living with the pain for a time. My God will bring comfort but he will also sit back and allowing me to struggle so that I can discover just what it is that he wants to teach me.

In my 12 Step group, some of the people introduce themselves by saying, "Hi, I'm _____ and I'm a grateful ______." I'm still not quite there yet but it is my hope that I can be grateful for the challenges in my life because they truly, draw me closer to God and bring a deeper sense of peace and contentment to my life.