What's a Pastor?

I am part of a faith community that I love. I am encouraged, honoured and blessed by the people in this community and it is here where I feel that I can be myself and use the gifts that I have. The people in this community have affirmed me and now, they want to call me a pastor.

Many years ago (I was 19 or 20) I was involved with a huge church related youth organization in Southern Ontario. I was in a position of leadership and I just loved what I was doing. One day, I was in my bedroom doing some planning and other stuff for the organization and a thought crossed my mind, "I would love to do this as a career. Wouldn't that be wonderful." That thought was immediately followed by another one, "But I can't. I'm a woman."

I think now, in my bedroom that day, God allowed that thought to pop in my head. Was this his gentle way of saying that he had something unique planned for my life? Was I being disobedient by not following through?

At that time, the faith community I was involved with had very clear rules about what men and women were allowed to do. Women were NOT allowed to be pastors or hold any kind of leadership position. I was unwilling to be an instrument of change. I was unwilling to take the inevitable criticism that would come by trying to change long held beliefs. So I pushed the dream out of my consciousness and actually forgot about it for many years.

Sometimes I wonder what might have happened if I followed through on that dream. That's hard to imagine. There have been changes in some of the churches of my denomination but in the church of my youth there are at this time, no women with any kind of leadership role. If I had stayed, would I have been able to live with these archaic ways? I often say that if I had stayed there, I would have either left the church or had a nervous breakdown.

Anyway, here I am, in a faith community that honours the gifts of men, women, and children equally. I am being given the opportunity to "live my dream." Then why am I so afraid? Why am I so hesitant to jump into a role that I first dreamed about 25 years ago? Am I afraid to take the responsibility of being a spiritual leader? What will I tell the people in my parent's church this summer when I go there for a visit?

Maybe it's just the "pastor" word I'm having trouble with. When people ask me what I do, I tell them I work in a church and most of them assume that I'm the church secretary. I don't correct them. Why am I so afraid to tell them I'm a pastor?

I think that it might have something to do with the label. I really hate labels because they tend to put people in a box and I think the "pastor box" is not always a favourable one for many. So, I think I'm afraid that people will make assumptions about me if I tell them that I'm a pastor. I'm afraid that I might not feel free to express my opinions and that people will look at my behaviour and wonder if a pastor should act that way. Do pastors cheer at volleyball games until they lose their voices? Do pastors get mad when somebody cuts them off in traffic? Do pastors swear? Do pastors loose their tempers with their children and argue with their daughters like they were in junior high? Should the children of pastors be "above reproach?" Should pastors keep a clean house? Should pastors be female?

I think that people expect a pastor to be wise and to be willing to take control of a situation when necessary. I do not feel very wise very often and would prefer to stay in the background when push comes to shove.

But then I think back to that time in my bedroom so many years ago and what I now believe was some kind of a vision from God-a clear suggestion that he had a plan for me. Maybe, after all these years I am finally able to step out in faith and do what I was created to do.

I'm still not sure. I think I'll try it. Just don't call me pastor.