Mother and Daughter

I read this on a website today:

1. Conception: A fetus is conceived
2. Birth: A baby girl is born
3. Infancy: The daughter fixates on her mother
4. Childhood: Mother teaches daughter how to be female
5. Adolescence: Daughter pushes away from mother to find independence
6. Partnership: Daughter selects and attracts a partner
7. Motherhood: Daughter becomes pregnant and gives birth

We are definitely at stage #5 in our house. Raising a daughter has brought on a whole new meaning of parenting for me. It is, so far, the most challenging stage. My own insecurities as a parent are constantly finding their way into my consciousness. Have I taught her well? Will the morals and beliefs that she has seen in my life influence the decisions she is making? Does she know I love her? Have I taught her "how to be female?"

How can a mother teach her daughter how to be female when the lessons she herself learned were unacceptable? In my day, I learned that women were either "doormats" or "sex objects." I learned that the most important thing was to be liked by others. It was hard to know where I fit into this belief system.

So I taught my daughter to not let a man dictate who she was and to be able to take care of herself. She learned a very important lesson from her dad too and that was to not allow "the acceptance of others" influence her actions. I guess that's what you call independence. Unfortunately, she is practising the very things I have attempted to teach her and I DON'T LIKE IT! I long for the days when we could cuddle on the couch and read stories, when I could put her to bed and say her prayers, and when I was the first person she turned to for advice or comfort. I long for the days when I really knew what was best for her and most often could convince her of that. And if she couldn't be convinced, I would just make her do what I needed her to do because I was bigger than her. Back then, it was easier to know what was best.

Today, I just don't know. She's become wise and often, when she pushes against the boundaries, I don't know what to do or say. If I don't have a good reason, it's hard for me to argue. "Because I just don't feel comfortable with it" is not a good enough answer for her. I want her to know that I trust her but so often, when those boundaries are tested and I fail to give permission, she assumes that I don't trust her.

Sometimes, I can make myself crazy worrying about all of this.

But today, a little gift. She came home for a couple of minutes to pick up her towel and a sandwich because she's going to the beach with a few friends. She looked cute, with her hair in pigtails. I was feeling a little blue about all of this stuff and she actually asked me if there was something wrong. Then she asked me what I was doing today. Finally, before she left, she hesitated at the door long enough for me to hug her and tell her that I loved her. I hold on to these brief moments of connection. They are pauses in our often stormy relationship, minute events that keep me loving her and reminding me that she's not a bad kid after all.